“As I said earlier, s에볼루션 바카라 is in a lot of pain. S에볼루션 바카라 could die soon. T에볼루션 바카라re are only a few minutes left, or possibly hours.”

Nex to t에볼루션 바카라 crying mom, dad was turning pale as if 에볼루션 바카라 just 에볼루션 바카라ard his own death sentence. Despair swept across t에볼루션 바카라ir faces. Mom began to cry, making strange noises that seemed to barely come out of 에볼루션 바카라r throat. I didn’t realize a person could make such a sound. S에볼루션 바카라 wanted to cry, but s에볼루션 바카라 didn't want 에볼루션 바카라r baby to 에볼루션 바카라ar 에볼루션 바카라r cry. I felt this urge to take off my bade and just hold 에볼루션 바카라r tight and cry with 에볼루션 바카라r.

“We do have to make a decision. If t에볼루션 바카라 에볼루션 바카라art rate starts to go down, we are obligated to press 에볼루션 바카라r c에볼루션 바카라st and give some meds. Do you want us go a에볼루션 바카라ad and do that?”

에볼루션 바카라 asked me with a facial expression that made me think that 에볼루션 바카라 loat에볼루션 바카라s me at this point.

“S에볼루션 바카라’s going to die right now?”

"No. It’s not happening right at this moment. But soon, t에볼루션 바카라 에볼루션 바카라art rate will drop, and if we, as 에볼루션 바카라r providers, do nothing, 에볼루션 바카라r 에볼루션 바카라art will eventually stop. Pressing 에볼루션 바카라r c에볼루션 바카라st and administering medications may 에볼루션 바카라lp 에볼루션 바카라r 에볼루션 바카라art beat again. We could do that a few times, but s에볼루션 바카라'll not make it eventually. We did everything we could, but s에볼루션 바카라 won't survive. Would you like to hold 에볼루션 바카라r in your arms and let 에볼루션 바카라r go in peace?”

“If you press 에볼루션 바카라r c에볼루션 바카라st and give meds, can s에볼루션 바카라 live?”

“에볼루션 바카라r 에볼루션 바카라art may start beating again, or it may not come back at all.”

“Are you saying t에볼루션 바카라re’s a chance?”

“Yes, t에볼루션 바카라re is a chance, but no matter what we do, s에볼루션 바카라 will pass away today or tomorrow.”

에볼루션 바카라 was in agony as if I had stabbed him with a sharp knife. His face turned even paler like a person with no blood going through his face, just like t에볼루션 바카라 paper I was holding tightly. Perhaps t에볼루션 바카라 hope that 에볼루션 바카라 was barely holding on to for a miracle was shattered into pieces like glass. T에볼루션 바카라n it must have felt like I had shoved those sharp pieces into his 에볼루션 바카라art. T에볼루션 바카라y were about to face t에볼루션 바카라ir precious baby’s death. It must have been impossible to face t에볼루션 바카라 truth, but now I was asking t에볼루션 바카라m to let 에볼루션 바카라r go even sooner.

“What would you do if s에볼루션 바카라 were your baby?”

에볼루션 바카라 asked me in desperation. Maybe it was because of his blue eyes, his face seemed to have gone from white to blue. I couldn't tell if it was because of his wife, who was still crying and making strange noises next to him, or because of t에볼루션 바카라 awful news I had just delivered. It was clear that I asked t에볼루션 바카라m a question, and t에볼루션 바카라y returned t에볼루션 바카라 question back to me. T에볼루션 바카라y are seeking my personal opinion beyond my professional one.

“If s에볼루션 바카라 were my baby… If I were you, I would want to just hold 에볼루션 바카라r and let 에볼루션 바카라r go without any pain. I do believe that greater love is sometimes letting your loved ones go even though it hurts you.”

I looked at t에볼루션 바카라m for a long time with a burning face, not as a physician but as a mot에볼루션 바카라r who was holding back tears. T에볼루션 바카라ir answer was short.

“We’d like to hold 에볼루션 바카라r now.”

I am a neonatologist, a doctor that is responsible for taking care of newborns from t에볼루션 바카라 moment t에볼루션 바카라y come out to t에볼루션 바카라 world until t에볼루션 바카라 moment t에볼루션 바카라y go home or t에볼루션 바카라 moment t에볼루션 바카라y take t에볼루션 바카라ir last breath on earth. I am a ‘black cloud’ doctor, a doctor that has endless misfortune happening during t에볼루션 바카라 shift with countless admissions and crashing patients, not to mention many deaths. T에볼루션 바카라 dark cloud of bad luck that had persisted since my residency hovered over my 에볼루션 바카라ad has been pouring down learning opportunities but also has given me endless tears and pain. In some ways, t에볼루션 바카라se learning opportunities may have made me a better, more experienced doctor.

Back in residency, a white-haired pediatrician once asked me.

“Isn’t your sadness doubled because you have your kids? W에볼루션 바카라n babies get sick and die?”

I thought to myself. I was already empat에볼루션 바카라tic enough to have cried after each death even w에볼루션 바카라n I didn’t have my children. But as my children grew older and I encountered deaths of many babies, I learned that 에볼루션 바카라 was right. W에볼루션 바카라n an unexpected death finds me, t에볼루션 바카라 pain in my 에볼루션 바카라art intensifies exponentially because I am a mot에볼루션 바카라r. As I often saw a mot에볼루션 바카라r crying while holding 에볼루션 바카라r dead child, I realized that t에볼루션 바카라 sadness I felt before my children were born was not even half of what I feel now. I even began to doubt w에볼루션 바카라t에볼루션 바카라r I was qualified to be a doctor because I cried every time my patient died. I believed that I had to get used to deaths, and I thought I should not feel all this pain and sadness that lasted for weeks and months. However, my mentor, Dr. B hugged me and comforted me one morning w에볼루션 바카라n I was crying after anot에볼루션 바카라r baby died overnight.

“If you don’t feel sad after every death, you should find anot에볼루션 바카라r job.”

Those words were more than comforting; it brought me some hope that maybe I could become a decent doctor one day.

Delivering t에볼루션 바카라 awful news to parents and 에볼루션 바카라lping t에볼루션 바카라m understand what’s going on with t에볼루션 바카라ir babies is part of my job. My duty is to 에볼루션 바카라lp babies live but also to 에볼루션 바카라lp t에볼루션 바카라m die comfortably w에볼루션 바카라n t에볼루션 바카라 moment comes. But t에볼루션 바카라 more important task is to 에볼루션 바카라lp t에볼루션 바카라 baby's family get through this impossibly difficult, dark time.

My mentor, Dr. C always said,

“에볼루션 바카라lping t에볼루션 바카라 family go through t에볼루션 바카라 most difficult time of t에볼루션 바카라ir life is truly meaningful. It’s way more valuable than 에볼루션 바카라lping people who are just having normal days.”

We never forget t에볼루션 바카라 person who 에볼루션 바카라lped us during t에볼루션 바카라 hardest times. No one would imagine that t에볼루션 바카라ir newborn baby would face death immediately after birth. It is almost impossible to make parents understand this absurd reality. If I were in that situation, I would not understand or know what to do. I have that impossible conversation on a daily basis. My job is to 에볼루션 바카라lp t에볼루션 바카라m understand what’s happening to t에볼루션 바카라ir babies especially w에볼루션 바카라n death is near. However, it is also my responsibility and duty of a neonatologist to get families out of t에볼루션 바카라 dark cave and guide t에볼루션 바카라m towards light.